2019 in Review
Although not a full year for me yet, this is the end of 2019, my first year out. This year has seen it’s share of my lowest points and my highest points. And although my first instinct is to wish I could change the low points of the year, in a way, they have made me stronger as a person. I don’t post often (except insta stories) because I feel that lasting posts should add value to the community, the same way it has added value to my life since coming out.
#MyFirstTransYear saw me wrestling with the fear of coming out to those I love. To the point where I was starting to give up, again. Fearing I would never have the strength to go through with it. Technically I didn’t. But thanks to a fluke of circumstances which I tried to play off as innocent at the time, I outed myself, and a whirlwind of chaos ensued. Chaos that would eventually settle into a new love for myself and those in my life (@deeplymadly2019 ).
#MyFirstTransYear has raced forward since April 2019, with me outing myself at work, with some close friends, my mother, a cousin, an aunt, a sister-in-law – but I’m not completely out yet. Not to everyone. Not to my father, my brother, the rest of my family or extended family. So I cannot be completely me yet. Not all the time.
#MyFirstTransYear I started presenting femme at work, little by little. Started discussions with HR about changing my email, my name, my pronouns. Started a process whereby the entire EXCO team will get Trans training from a local support group in early 2020.
#MyFirstTransYear I went on Christmas weekend with allies where I could present as femme the entire weekend without judgement or even a slight comment. It felt so normal and right. Even went swimming in a bikini. My tuck was AWEFUL. lol. But it didn’t matter.
#MyFirstTransYear I connected with myself for the first time; learning my style; my likes; my dislikes; re-evaluating old habits I formed in order to try survive; and understanding that survival is not the game anymore. Now I need to LIVE.
#MyFirstTransYear has come to an end, with many things I still need to accomplish. Many walls I still need to tear down. Many fears I still need to overcome. Many new emotions I now need to understand and control.
#MyFirstTransYear was not easy; and I do not expect 2020 to be any easier. But I do expect to continually move forward. To keep discovering. To keep finding myself. To become ONE with this person I have been hiding from the world for so long. To keep embracing life for all that it has to offer.
#MyFirstTransYear was AMAZING. I bid a sad farewell to 2019; but stare with glistening eyes ahead at 2020 for all it promises to bring.
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