One small step for Charlie …
Those in the know … know that I rarely make it out in public, unless I’m going to work, or presenting as male (which helps for anxiety, but does the opposite for my dysphoria).
I have suffered from what you might term as “imposter syndrome” for most my life, and you’d think one gets use to it … nope. Being AMAB (assigned male at birth), I’ve never fit in with the boys/men. Although I have it on some good authority that I was definitely something to look at back in the day, reality was that I was invisible. The only friends I had were either girls, boys who identified as gay, or outcasts (I always gravitated to those who didn’t fit anywhere). As a boy/man, I felt like a failure, a fake person, someone who didn’t belong. And having an inexplicable need to present feminine and possibly thinking I’m gay didn’t help me fit in any better.
Spending time with my wife’s 4 brothers over the years only made things worse, they are all sport lovers, and want to fish and talk rugby. And I … would rather sit somewhere far away from them and have quiet time.
Since coming out as trans you would think these type of things will be in the past. Wrong again. Now I feel like an imposter as a womxn. Not feeling real. Feeling like the world is judging. Family are judging. EVERYONE is judging. In truth, most people don’t give a shit. I am the one judging.
So today, being National Womxn’s day in South Africa 🇿🇦, ventured out to she shop. Dressed up. And … the world carried on.
Am I over my anxiety?
But it was a first step, and I hope to have many more.